I’m stuck in close minded thinking
I love him so much… I just don’t know what to do.
I have this problem, well it’s not really a problem from my standing point except in cases like this…
Ugh… I was going to tell him that I was in the mood to be bad tonight… but then I got this text message:
z-“Made plans for ___’_ birthday. We’re having a party at _____’s friday night. But we’ll probably be drinking. I still want to make him a pinata and give it to him later.”
m- “So you don’t want me to come to ___’s party? Just confirming that I read that correctly.”
m-“What do you mean by probably? Like you’ve already made plans for who’s buying what or there might be drinking and there might not?”
z-“I’m just letting you know like we agreed I would do. and probably as in that’s the plan we have right now.”
m-“Okay babe.”
z-“Sorry.”
m-“It’s fine babe. I can’t choose your actions for you or make you feel a certain way. I’ll get used to it some day… Things are just different with you.”
z- “I was just keeping my promise and I can tell you’re still upset.”
m-“I’m not upset babe. Not like I usually am anyway. But thank you.”
m- “It’s more of a hurt than an upset… but that’s just who I am- ya know?”
z-“I didn’t want to hurt you babe. but that’s what I meant. I didn’t want to hide it from you or something. I just wasn’t expecting this reaction. whether it’s upset or hurt.”
m-“It’s better knowing. I promise. It’ll hurt every time. It’s not the kind of thing that just stops.”
z-“alright. I guess I just similarly don’t understand. we’re different. but I’m going to sleep. goodnight babe.”
m-“Sweetest dreams love <3”
m-” I do really appreciate you telling me. I want you to know that. I know you don’t mean to upset me, and I don’t mean to be upset. I love you.”
z-“I love you.”
All of this just because he wants to drink with his friends… it’s just… the thought… it gets under my skin, it crawls like an infection… it sucks blood and life like a tick… it’s terrible and there is nothing that I can do to seem to change my mind.
It’s like seeing him drink had put me in a spell of regression- I act as I did when I was a child and my mother would drink with her friends and come back angry and take her anger out on everyone. A spell of regression where I am repulsed and saddened at the mere thought… I don’t get it. So you have fun for a couple hours. Then you feel depressed and sick until it clears your system… how is that fun? it’s like when a lactose- intolerant person eats an entire tub of ice cream, what kind of idiot does that for fun?
I mean…when I grew up I was taught that alcohol is basically a poison, and that image, that idea stuck in my mind. It stuck real hard… my parents almost never drank and that’s why it bothered me so much when I would see them do it- they may have had a really rough break up, but they weren’t drinkers…
Zack’s family is very different from mine… he’s practically 100% irish and they pretty much follow every stereo type for an irish person as far as I know… his mom drinks like every weekend with her sister. they have fun doing it too- that’s just who they are and I have no problem with that at all. They’re my elders, I respect them and they’re really funny. But I see zack drink and it makes me sad… makes me feel a strange pain that I’m not used to feeling…
It’s weird… I feel like my instincs kick in and it’s like I’m trying to protect him, but he’s a teenager and he doesn’t drink like he used to with his friends and I believe it. I don’t want to be sad and disgusted and feel anger inside my heart. I feel silly because I feel like every kid our age probably enjoys drinking with their friends except me and I don’t really care what people think of me- I just worry about him. Like it’s to the point where I can’t even be around him when he drinks because it makes me feel so uncomfortable and emotional… I feel stupid but this is just who I am…
THIS IS WHO I AM
What do I do?
